FOOTBALL PREDICTIONS FOR 2014

Luis Suarez will get banned, Clint Dempsey will need a hand and the
team that will win the league is...
Doesn't it seem like only yesterday that Sir Alex was prowling the
technical area, furiously chewing his magic gum and pointing to his
watch as Manchester United applied a sleeper hold on the rest of the
league? How boring was that?
There was no point making predictions in January 2013because everyone
knew what would happen: United would win, City and Chelsea would fight
it out for second and Arsenal would pip Spurs for whatever passed for
a trophy at the Emirates. (Which I think might be Fergie's old chewing
gum wrappers.) Yawn.
Well, what a difference a year and one fewer puce-faced manager makes.
Everything is in play in this crazy, up-is-down, blue-is-red, Arsenal
is in first place, no, wait,Arsenal is in first place-season. From the
Prem title to Champions League places to relegation to Vincent Tan's
high-waisted pants and black gloves, it's all up for grabs as we head
into the second half.
It takes a brave man -- and many commenters often use more colorful
adjectives -- to attempt to impose order on all that chaos, but then
if Jose Mourinho can take a pay cut and proclaim a 12-year plan for
Chelsea, I can venture out on a wobbly limb and try to divine the rest
of this rollicking season. Just don't hold me to these fearless
predictions when Sir Alex has returned from retirement and United is
12 points clear in April.
Teams that haven't got a prayer
Let's just get this out of the way...
Everton
While the Toffees will finish ahead of Liverpool for the third
straight season, Roberto Martinez will continue to burnish his resume
with an overachieving and surprisingly entertaining Everton side.
Expect neither Martinez nor Romelu Lukaku to be there next season.
Liverpool
Oh how delicious Christmas dinner must have tasted for Liverpool fans,
what with the Reds being top of the league for the first time since
2008. Of course, they made history that year by becoming the last team
not to win the title from that perch and there's no reason to think
things will be any different this time around.
Although they've technically signed Luis Suarez through the next two
U.S. presidencies, expect Real Madrid to trigger the $150 million
buyout clause about 20 minutes after Liverpool is eliminated from
Champions League contention. When your best defender is Martin Skrtel,
the only thing you'll lead the league in is the number of torn
opponents' jerseys.
Manchester United
By this time last year, the Red Devils had all but engraved their name
on the EPL trophy. It was a farewell tour-de-force for the imperious
Sir Alex, who was smart enough to realize that he had bled every last
ounce of talent and mental toughness out of his players.
Andrew Yates/Getty ImagesCan David Moyes' men maintain their upward trajectory?
That same unbreachable defense now creaks with antiquity and Jonny
Evans, the midfield wouldn't look out of place wearing a Newcastle kit
and they've become overly reliant on the mood swings of Wayne Rooney
and the fitness issues of my former man crush, Robin van Persie.
Still, United are United and any other team that endured such a
harrowing start to the season would be dead and buried by now. Yet
David Moyes has his old Merseyside friends looking over their
shoulders as his new club continues to surge up the table and into a
Champions League place.
Spurs
Oh pipe down. Like that's a surprise.
Luis Suarez will be banned for 20 games
I'm not sure what derogatory jibe or cannibalistic ritual will have
the FA ripping out its single remaining hair, but it's a
Ladbrokes-worthy certainty that the Liverpool Lecter will do something
visibly epic that results in his missing a Marouane Fellaini
hair-sized chunk of the second half of the season.
Now that Man City, Chelsea and Arsenal have shown the league the road
map for shutting off the Uruguayan's supply line, his insane scoring
spree will likely slow, unless he either improves his acrobatic
swimming pool cannonballs in the penalty area or plays against Norwich
City three more times.
Jose Mourinho will guest star on "Law & Order: Special Ones Unit"
Mourinho will be found unconscious in his Istanbul hotel room, lying
next to an empty bottle of 100-proof Snark after watching Didier
Drogba's double for Galatasaray dash Chelsea's Champions League
dreams.
While there is evidence of foul play, prime suspect Juan Mata has the
perfect alibi. "Who me? I never get off the bench."
Arsene Wenger will shop 'til the silverware drops
Despite Olivier Giroud looking like a spent force in the past month,
Arsenal will purchase as many useful strikers as a disgruntled
steel-workers union.
David Price/Arsenal FC/Getty ImagesIs this the season that Arsene
Wenger and Arsenal's trophy drought ends?
Wenger will proclaim that the return from long-term injuries of Lukas
Podolski and (hyphenated British nobility-named) Alex
Oxlade-Chamberlain are "just like new signings."